Seasons: The Grief Journey
I love where I live.
Across Australia, seasons vary dramatically. What we experience living in one location is vastly different to those living in another geographical location.
I enjoy the opportunity to experience the many sights, sounds, smells and experience each season has to offer. Knowing that each season has its end comes with a mixed sense of relief and anticipation for what the next season will usher in.
Throughout my life I’ve accumulated countless experiences with the changing of seasons in my world. Unlike the natural seasons, there is no definitive time frame for the seasons that come and go in our ‘inner-world’.
The Seasons of Grief
At the age of 13, early one scorching, hot January morning I remember hearing the news that my sister, 20 months younger than me, had died. Something my family would never have conceived our reality only a few short weeks earlier. However, that January morning forever changed our lives.
Internally I was ready to explode. The questions, the shock, the disbelief, the injustice, the emotion…were overwhelming. In that moment I couldn’t imagine how life could possibly go on for us as a family…for me without my sister!
Autumn & Winter
This sudden change (or ‘Autumn’ season as I’ve since affectionately named it) took months to journey through as I struggled to accept the reality of losing my sister. This enormous loss brought an unexpected, unwelcome change in our world that none of us were ready for or knew how to navigate.
As the deep, dark ‘Winter’ set in for me, the lens that I viewed life through became tainted. Shrouded by a misty haze I began to process the painful reality of not ever having another conversation with my sister, sharing a bedroom or walking to school with her, or joking around with our younger brother as we so often did. No more sharing the many things that sisters share as they grow up together. I wondered if anyone could ever understand the pain I was living in from day to day. Feeling alone and with my own thoughts I wondered if I could have done anything else to avoid seeing her meet her early fate. The tormenting thoughts, the what-ifs, the endless stream of tears…all painfully familiar encounters on the journey that I found myself stumbling through.
As I learnt to adapt to life without my sister’s presence the waves of emotion felt endless. The birthdays, the memories of so many moments we’d shared together. The good. The not-so-great. The celebrations we all looked forward to so much - the family holidays, family gatherings etc – now carried an intense twist of sadness because she was no longer there.
Spring & Summer
Over time, that ache remained, but grew slightly less intense as each year passed. We were moving through…there were new additions to the family, new experiences to be had, a new ‘normal’ to be established. I likened this season to ‘Spring’. It was definitely not without its own heartache and doubt at times, but it was our life. Life had changed for us. It would never be the same. We would never be the same. For each of us this event would forever be a turning point.
How we chose to navigate this experience of loss was unique for each of us. Our perspectives. Our way forward. One thing we all shared in common was our desire to find meaningful ways for our connection with my sister to live on. With geographical distance a reality for me I now speak regularly to my children about their auntie – who she was, what she meant to me, times we shared. It’s one way I choose to keep my sister’s memory alive, even decades after her death.
For others, choosing to be remember may be awareness raising, fundraising, writing a journal or blog, penning the story of their loved one’s life – their successes and challenges. The ways we can ‘remember’ are only limited by our imagination.
Your grief, your experience
As we find a way through the seasons of grief there are endless ways for us to build an ‘enduring connection’ with your loved one who has died (or your loss may be something other than a person, as mentioned in my earlier blog post ‘The Labyrinth of Grief’). Regardless, it is important for each individual journeying through grief to know that their personal experience will never be an exact replica of anyone else’s grief experience, regardless of the commonalities shared. In spite of this, there are still so many who have the ability to empathise and offer support as you journey through your seasons of grief to rediscover meaning and purpose for yourself once again.
This is but one small snapshot of my journey in what was my first significant grief encounter (of many and varied kinds) to date. Each loss is unique to the individual encountering it.
Your Story
You have your personal story.
How are you navigating your journey? What season are you in right now?
Have you allowed yourself to process your pain, or pushed it deep down inside hoping it will disappear? Or do you hope you’ll just ‘get over it’ sometime down the track?
Can I encourage you to reach out to someone in your world – a trained professional perhaps – to support you in making your way through these ‘seasons’ of grief.
I believe change is within your reach. Consider what you can do to keep moving through it today.
With you on this journey,
Glenda